What's Really On My Mind

I haven't posted recently, because I haven't wanted to say the thoughts in my head.  However, if there's a lesson to be learned from what I (and my family) have been through lately, it is that talking is good.  It's good for both me to get it out of my system, and for others to know where I'm coming from.

As I've briefly mentioned before, my dad took his life in December.  The range of emotions that I have felt since that time is nothing compared to what he must have felt in the end, but they have been massive.  Shocking, even.  In a nanosecond, I can go from happy-go-lucky to the pits of despair.  Or angry.  The amount of anger that I feel and who my mind directs it towards is shocking.  Well, the instant change of emotions in any given direction is shocking too.  Today I was looking for a birthday card for my mother-in-law, whom I truly love, and let me tell you this, looking at cards for a wonderful woman made me cry over the loss of my father.  We'll probably be making our own cards for a while.  Which will be good for my mind, heart and budget!  (See, being optimistic here!)

You know how things may happen in your life that completely shift your perspective?  I'll give you an example.  Our adoption process took nearly 4 years.  I really thought that was a roller coaster of emotions back then!  And it made me really stop and think about what I said to whom both about my own life, but also about theirs.  You just never know what someone else's reproductive story is until they tell you.  It's not like we're walking around waving a banner telling everyone all this very personal information.  And the most innocent of comments can be soul crushing to that person.

So now, my dad has passed away in a very traumatic way.  And it gives me pause when I look at loved ones, friends, acquaintances and strangers, and I think - "I have absolutely no idea what you have been through and what is going through your mind at this very moment."

I was having a hard time for a while with the world moving on since my dad died, and I talked to a grief counselor about it.  She helped me see how this was a natural feeling for me to have, and to not be so angry with other people for not knowing, or even forgetting, what I've been through.  It's not like in the years long gone where people wore black for a certain time frame to remind everyone else that they are in mourning.  It's not like I'm walking around waving a banner telling everyone all this very personal information.  Unless you count this blog, of course.  :)

So I guess the reason I'm telling you this is to remind you that we're all going through something.  Let's give each other a little grace, because we're all in this together for the long run - just trying to get through one day at a time.